btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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