I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
