I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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