twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
