And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
