So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
