Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
