for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
