I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
