captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
