A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
