If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
