the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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