Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
