tonight lets celebrate not being married
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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