Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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