thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
