so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
