You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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