it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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