I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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