The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He felt like a one man threesome
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
