I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time