its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
either way he was missing a nipple.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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