Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
