I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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