3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
