you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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