I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
