She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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