The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage