ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
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I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
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I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup