i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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