i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize
