I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
