I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
