So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
