she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
