my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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