You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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