If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
