You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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