her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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