Non-Jews are for practice
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
