so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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