alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
