that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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