I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
