____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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