Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
