Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
