If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
