YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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