There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
