Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
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hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
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She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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