if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
