i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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