He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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